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My Licit Affairs - Minx User Manual
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Tue, Sep. 28th, 2010 08:34 pm
Minx User Manual

Dug this up this week, and I was surprised that there were very few tweaks to the user manual I first wrote two years ago. Pretty much the same:

Part A
Family Background/History

(this might explain some of my quirks)

  • I'm a middle child, like Lisa Simpson. Classic brainy overachiever with straight A's all through high school and college.
  • My family wasn't terribly communicative with each other, which is one of the reasons I obsess about communication now. We are not a close family. No animosity, just not close. That is what no communication did to us.
  • I'm independent. In my family we each sort of went our own ways and did our own thing, so I had to learn independence early. I learned that if I didn't do something for myself, it wouldn't happen. Birthday parties? I planned my own, every single one, since I was old enough to figure out how. I made the invitations, decorations, everything. Not because I wanted to but because if I didn't, there would be no party. One time a boyfriend planned a surprise party for me, and it is still one of the coolest things anyone has ever done for me. I take a great deal of pride in being capable and self-reliant, but, like most strong women, I secretly long being taken care of, just a little.
  • I have abandonment issues, big-time. I'm aware of them and keep them in check, but I suspect they will always be there. On the rare occasions when I misbehaved, my parents would just leave me wherever I was and just go home. I won't bore you with all the stories; there are too many, and it gets kinda old. Here's one; that's all you get: once, my younger brother and I were four minutes late to be picked up from hanging out at the mall (yeah, it was the 80's; this is what we did!). My parents immediately left the mall, drove home and read the paper until I called my neighbors to pick us up, panicking that something had happened to my parents. My brother and I had waited for them for over three hours (yes, this was long before the days of cell phones, and we were too young to figure out what to do). My brother and I were scared and worried; my parents shrugged it off and blamed us for getting so upset.
  • Again, I didn't have a close family, and I tend to be kind of awed by people who have good relationships with their relatives. I think that is why I like the idea of polyamory--my family of birth isn't going to suddenly be all lovey dovey and supportive, so wouldn't it be cool if I could have a family of choice that was, just so I could have that experience? That would be nifty.

Part B: How to turn me on


  • Be there when I call at least some of the time. Even better, call me every now and then. If we're in a committed relationship or something getting there, a good way to indicate you care is to show you want some type of daily contact with me--video chat, text, phone call, actual date or hanging out, whatever. If you only call me every week or two, I'll assume you're not that into me.
  • Ask your partner to reach out to me. I love being welcomed into an existing relationship; it can start to feel like family to me. If you’re in an existing relationship, ask your partner to chat with me, reach out to and welcome me. I’ve had far too many metamours who ignore or tolerate me turn out to be hiding insecurities and resentment and causing considerable damage, both to me and to their existing relationships. If she can muster up a nice, warm welcome or at least a friendly chat, these fears will quickly be allayed. If she can’t, I’ll quickly bow out.


  • Be there for me in case of illness or emergency. Remember, I don't have a family to call on for these things; I take cabs to the emergency room and have no one to bring me soup when I’m sick. So if you can be there when I've been in a car accident, need to go for some awful medical procedure, or just am not feeling well, it will help me to feel like I can depend on you. And there really aren't too many people I actually depend on, so this is a big deal for me. This is a GREAT way to build trust with me.
  • Call me with stuff you think is funny/happy. I've developed an aversion to people with tremendous drama in their lives, and one of the things I've grown to appreciate is a partner who will share joy, not just pain. Making me smile or laugh is a great skill.
  • Be willing to cry in front of me. I'm touched when someone trusts me enough to cry in front of me. Show me your vulnerability, and I'll show you mine. And not that many people get to see it. It's lovely.
  • Be willing to say "I was wrong" or, even better, "I was an idiot." Have you ever been friends with or dated someone who was never wrong? I have a very low tolerance for this. I'm wrong all the time, myself, and I'm not above admitting I was an idiot. Admitting you were wrong with humility and without defensiveness is a huge turn-on for me. Not being able to do this is a deal-breaker.
  • Be willing to stand your ground when you believe I am being an idiot. Here's the key to being with me: I just want to be understood. I don't even need to be right most of the time; I just need to be understood. If you think I'm being an idiot or that I'm just plain wrong, ask me, "Minx, what's going on with you?" Listen to me, even if I'm ranting. Chances are that once I think you understand my point of view, I'll figure out that you're right on quite a few of your main points.
  • Hold me when I cry. I still can't believe some people need to be told this, but for goddess' sake, hold me when I cry. Don't try to reason with me, and for fuck's sake, don't try to fix me. Just hold me. For much of my life, there is no one there, and I cry alone a lot. Just being there to hold me is all I need. Making me laugh gets you bonus points.
  • Tell/show me you like me for who I am, not just for my hot ass and not just because I'm Minx. I'm really proud of my work, and I'm a pretty cool chick to boot. And I'm proud of my hot ass, too. But ever since I was a kid, in my more vulnerable moments, I've always feared that no one will love me for who I am. So if you show an interest in getting to know all of me, not just the fun bits, I'll be really grateful, and it will help build trust. I'll like you for being there for the hot bits, and I'll love you if you stick around for the boring, messy, weak or unflattering bits, too.

Sexually: Flirting

  • Quote my favorite movie, The Princess Bride--I can never resist that. And not just the well-known quotes; use the obscure ones, too.
  • Fix my computer/server issues. I'm a total geek groupie and love a man who can fix my computer or my darn WiFi router.
  • Wear a kilt and poufy shirt. I discovered Renaissance faires when I was about 20, and I quickly figured out that was the bawdy, pseudo-British type of sexuality I would embrace. I melt for a man in a kilt who kisses my hand and calls me "m'lady," then whispers much naughtier things in my ears. 
  • Take me to dinner. I tend to date guys with more modest incomes, so going out to a quiet dinner is a big treat for me. Letting me dress up a bit in something pretty is even better--with the kinky life I lead, I rarely get to wear cute, pretty dresses; it's always leather, latex and chains! I love those, too, but balance is nice.
  • Rub my shoulders, and don't be stingy with the pressure. Show me you have nice, strong hands and aren't afraid of all the tension I keep in these tiny shoulders.
  • Make dinner for me. A guy did this for me once this year, and I was so touched; I can't remember the last time a guy cooked for me.
  • Options for Minx-friendly dates: coffee shops, ice cream, Broadway musicals, swing or salsa dancing, wine bar.
  • If your budget allows, take me to a strip club. I LOVE lap dances, and you will, too! If the club allows, let me sit in your lap while the stripper is dancing in mine. 
  • I have a lot of interests, not just sex, poly and kink. If you love to cook, I would love someone to cook an elaborate dinner with. If you are into interior design/home renovation, I'd love someone to brainstorm and carry out home improvement projects with. If you dance, I'd love someone to hone my dance skills with. If you travel, I'd love someone to go on vanilla trips with--sightseeing in Europe, relaxing on the beach in Mexico, exploring Tibet. Love wine? I love going to wine bars and trying a flight with complimentary cheeses.
  • NOTE: I'm a light weight; it takes half a glass of wine for me to feel a buzz, and two drinks is my absolute limit. If I have two drinks, I'll probably be stiff and sore the next day. I do love a good glass of wine or champagne, though.
  • Due to years of medicine, I tend to tire early, usually by 10:00 or 11:00. If you can offer to drive and see me home so I don’t have to worry about getting home safely, that would be great. If you can tuck me in, I will melt in your arms. If you make me breakfast, you're in like Flynn.

Sexually: Sex

  • I have lost the capacity for casual sex at this particular point in my life. (See below for my definition of "sex.") While I enjoy scening with my friends and can be an outrageous flirt and exhibitionist, I only have sex with people I know and trust. If that person has additional partners, I have to know and trust them, too. And I get attached to people I have sex with. So you see why I don't really do the casual sex thing at this point--it can get a bit complicated. At the moment, I reserve sex for someone that I am free to feel attached to and who is willing to open up his partners and their sexual and emotional history to me as well.
  • What is sex to me? This is a great question to ask anyone you’re seeing—everyone has a different definition! To me, in general, sex is anything that I am most likely to get an STI from: vaginal or anal penetration or oral sex. (Remember, I have an autoimmune disorder, so I need to be more careful than your average bear.) Also, I separate BDSM scening and sex; kink for me does not necessarily involve sex or sexual contact (although it can, with a trusted partner—and that is awesome when it happens!). Since it tends to take me a while to trust a partner enough to indulge in sex, a common intermediate step for me is bukkake.
  • People often ask me what I'm into sexually. And in truth, the answer is, "It depends." There are a few activities I know I enjoy, to be sure. I've discovered, though, that it's often not the activity; it's the dynamic between the people and their respective levels of enthusiasm for and skill at the activity that matters. If you do something really well or have some special skill or kink, just let me know. Even if it's not my favorite thing now, it might be with you. And my favorite thing now might not be all that great with you. Let's just see what we're into together, shall we? That being said...


Turn ons:

  • Grab the hair at the roots at the back of my neck. This is a trigger for me.
  • Tell me what you want to make me do. This isn’t a negotiation, but it simply turns me on to hear the guy’s sadistic, selffish fantasies of overpowering or controlling me.
  • Force me to go down on you. (Once we are in an established relationship, of course. Please do not try this on our first date. We need to go over sexual history and I need to be welcomed by your partner(s) first.)
  • Gag me and throw me on the bed. Or wrestling mat. Whatever.
  • Give me a deep tissue massage so deep it makes me cry--this can be a great segue into kinky sex. Or just sex. There is something about that kind of pain that can turn me on.
  • Tell me a dirty story of coercion and/or bukkake. I can't come unless I am actively fantasizing, so if you can spin a good dirty story, you'll see me writhing and begging for more. I love asking for a dirty story, which will likely turn me on more than anything physical you could do to me. Engage my brain and imagination, and I’ll think you’re special.
  • Watch porn with me. Not boring straight porn. Gay, gang-bang or bukkake porn.
  • Order me around like Capn' Jack Harkness. He's my new fantasy guy. Love the pseudo-military mystery guy thing.
  • Wrestle me to the ground and call me a slut. (After negotiations, of course--I have some physical limitations).
  • Give me oodles of aftercare. Cover me with a blanket and hold me. I love to hear how much I took and how proud you are of me.
  • Make sure I get home safely, and call me the next day to connect.

Turn offs:

  • Insulting your former partners. Guys who describe their ex-wives as “crazy” or say bad things about them.
  • Lack of communication. I fall in love with the brain first, so if you can’t talk to me (or your partners can’t), we probably won’t go anywhere.
  • Being too popular/high turnover. Guys with five or more partners or high partner turnover will probably find dating me challenging, since I like to take the time to get to know my metamours.
  • Dating too young. Guys who are dating in the 18-21 range tend to enjoy either the drama or glib dependence of youth, and I have a low tolerance for both in my dating life.
  • Not getting tested. Not being willing to wear protection and not getting tested regularly are hard limits for me.



Wed, Sep. 29th, 2010 04:27 am (UTC)

I am awed by your ability to know yourself and your needs so well.

J.R. Blackwell
Wed, Sep. 29th, 2010 01:30 pm (UTC)

They should make all the kids make one of these in high school sex ed classes! Wouldn't that be awesome?

(I spend my time writing fiction, so you'll have to excuse my fantasy world of fun and helpful sex-ed classes.)

Thu, Sep. 30th, 2010 04:11 pm (UTC)

I think we should make it happen. Wouldn't it be fun to see the user manual evolve over time? What would you have written at 18, 25, 35?

Actually, come to think of it, I kind of did this. When I was in high school, I wrote a list of what tickled and titillated me in a man. I still have it somewhere. Want to know what was #1 on the list? "Can carry on a conversation and is easy to talk to."

:-) Some things never change.

ReplyThread Parent
If you can't win the game, change the rules
Wed, Sep. 29th, 2010 03:03 pm (UTC)

This list is great, but...there's a lot of it that made me think "Doesn't every guy do that?" But of course they don't, or it wouldn't need to be on the list. I seem to be a much better boyfriend than I'd been thinking.

- Badmagic, who made a nice vegetable curry for his date last night.

Thu, Sep. 30th, 2010 04:13 pm (UTC)

I know. It makes me kind of sad that I have to write some of these things down.

ReplyThread Parent
If you can't win the game, change the rules
Thu, Sep. 30th, 2010 06:48 pm (UTC)

I'd think someone out there would be into being nice, if just to throw what they planned to do later into stark contrast.

ReplyThread Parent
The Clockwork Dragon
Wed, Sep. 29th, 2010 03:31 pm (UTC)

Something to add perhaps?
You live a very public life. Shy partners, or people who tend to be super private might be overwhelmed by that.

Thu, Sep. 30th, 2010 04:15 pm (UTC)

:-) Not as public as it used to be, my dear. But yes, I should probably add some type of A/B question:

_ It is important that I am mentioned by name or pseudonym as being a part of your life.

_ I prefer to keep my involvement with you private. (As long as all partners are aware).

ReplyThread Parent
Thu, Sep. 30th, 2010 04:26 am (UTC)

Very nicely written!

When we were going to collectively be meeting in person for the first time, my family of LDR-type SO's set up a private space where we could discuss things with each other; and one of the requirements was that we each write a 'care and feeding of' post, not dissimilar from this, to make sure there were no misunderstandings due to not knowing about the little things that tend to get missed or overlooked when you're not there in person all the time. (Plus some more basic info like food preferences, allergies, etc...)

Thu, Sep. 30th, 2010 04:15 pm (UTC)

That is brilliant! I love it. Such a considerate welcome to a poly family.

ReplyThread Parent
Sun, Nov. 14th, 2010 07:40 pm (UTC)

That's really cool! It's so neat to see others' styles. Being new, it's also likely to be helpful at some point...

ReplyThread Parent
Sun, Nov. 14th, 2010 05:20 pm (UTC)

What a fabulous idea to have a guide to oneself! Would it be okay to steal it (the idea, not copying the content lol!).
(PW fan & Minx-admirer from Massachusetts)

Sun, Nov. 14th, 2010 06:04 pm (UTC)

Oh silly me! I've been listening to back episodes, but you did one on making one of these, so I'll take that as a yes. lol sorry!

ReplyThread Parent
Sun, Nov. 14th, 2010 06:09 pm (UTC)

Of course! Steal the idea all you want. :-)

ReplyThread Parent
Sun, Nov. 14th, 2010 07:38 pm (UTC)

Thank you, gorgeously cunning minx :)

ReplyThread Parent